Cedi Weeps in a Credit Crunch

Cedi Weeps in a Credit Crunch
I crunch. You crunch. We all crunch. Ghana gets locked up in a crunch primarily because the high and mighty of the globe are in an economic crunch. In financial-speak, this means that the rich developed countries have maxed-out their piss-pots full of money. But worse of all, their crunch is spilling over, no – rushing across, through distant lands and seas, to a street near you.
Simply put, the credit crunch is an economic hurricane that is sweeping through the world carrying poverty flags. Wherever it arrives, it hoists flags up on the highest elevations and moves on hurriedly to the next location. After vanquishing the mighty of the world, it is making a grand entry into Third World countries to mess up already messed up desperate situations. The credit crunch, like a horrible disease, has many not-so-nice names. Economic Downturn, Slump, Meltdown, Repression and Second Great Depression. Scary names!
It was caused by elite sleaze-balls, swindlers, plunderers, high-tech burglars and pickpockets as well as various types of human sharks, who, with their own sophisticated package of greed, exploited the inherent greed of innocent people and rob them of money they have, don’t have and will never have. The crunch originated at the headquarters of the developed world, USA.
The fact that major world economies are on a melt-down should indicate to us that they don’t fully know what they are doing. Last year, the aging chief fetish priest of global finance, Alan Greenspan, shocked the world when he expressed astonishment about the melt-down of the US economy. He, the guru, didn't see it coming? Damn! The handwriting was on the wall for many years because the extent of credit dependency was not sustainable. No brainer!
From America, Britain, France, Germany, through China, Russia, Japan to Thailand – stock markets have fallen sharply and major companies have collapsed. On the human side, innocent persons are suffering. There are record-breaking job loses. Homelessness is up because houses have been foreclosed for inability to pay. People have committed suicide. Divorce rates have increased. And – there is a strong suspicion that what is happening is only the tip of the iceberg.
If fraud and collapse of such magnitude can occur in parts of the world where checks and balances are supposed to exist, then what could happen to Ghana, the very porous Gateway into Africa? Banks and financial concerns are blooming like flowers that have been well watered and fertilized. I’m nervous, and you should too. Who owns the bank where you keep your money? To what extent are you exposed to danger? We could, by default, be nurturing our own version of home-grown indicators to create an internally-generated credit crunch to add to the one that, like a tsunami, is coming to us from the developed world.
One concept the credit crunch brings into sharper focus is bottom-line. Somehow, this word has been clothed in decency. How can a bottom have a line? Not mine! Maybe yours! On the flip side, can a line have a bottom? What kind of a bottom will that be? A thin bottom? I don’t know; knowledge gaps exist.

In this credit crunch world, at this very low bottom, you don’t expect our national leadership to recklessly run down the economy by speaking evil and mockery to the cedi. But that’s exactly what the Prez Mills administration did in January when on heat from exuberance at assumption to office. Behaving like children with new toys and as if they were still on a campaign trail to undo their NPP rivals, mouths run wild not realising that they were rather undoing Ghana.
Sometime during my brief life’s school journey, I learned that the true value of money is in the mind and not in the paper on which it’s printed. So when the government declared jubilantly that Ghana was broke, psychology took over and the cedi responded fast and furious, very fast, into the gutter. Or, is the economy (ecomeny) resilient? It doesn’t appear so otherwise the cedi will not be floating in a poverty piss-pot.
‘Ghana is broke’ is an abusive statement, akin to a whip-lash. It’s like telling a child, ‘You’re useless and will never amount to anything.’ After a while, the child believes it; innocence lost, forever. Words are powerful. Ghana is broke is a vulgar language, akin to telling someone, (taflatse) ‘Your mother.’ On the surface, it doesn’t sound like much of an insult. But deconstructed and broken down to the core, it’s one of the most loaded vulgar insults to utter to anybody.
So therefore with such reckless, toxic, abusive, subversive, pessimistic language thrown at it, the cedi, like coffee, began to percolate, oozing out its fine juice. So, right now, the cedi is deeply unamused. It’s weeping hysterically; bruised and bleeding. It’s in shock over the disrespect, over the slap, over the vulgar language, over the undeserved nasty kick in the bottom. The upset seems to be deepening. The cedi is undergoing a severe stress test and things do not look good.
Question: The government’s mouth ibe gun? Yes! The mouth of every government is the biggest and most dangerous gun in that country. So, President Mills, you and your people must begin to speak love to the cedi and bring back some confidence. Having the World Bank and their super-power donor partners pump in borrowed credit-crunch infested foreign currency stimulus into Ghana will not be enough. You and your people injured our darling cedi and it’s crying for a cushy bear hug. Show the cedi some love, please.
But if you decide not to pamper the cedi with love, here are other cool strategies to consider. 1). Mount an all-nation Cedi Prayer Camp to pray over, pray to, pray into, pray for and pray around the cedi to kick it out of recession back into life. Please invite all pastors; no discrimination whatsoever! Lavish sprinkling of Holy Water and frivolous smearing of high-grade Olive Oil will be acceptable.
2). The entire country must have a toast by raising calabashes to drink pito or palm wine to speak recovery to the cedi. If alcohol and good old drunkenness will be inappropriate because of our overly Christian pretentiousness, here is the coolest strategy.
3). Daddy Prof President, my darling Hannah Tetteh and Company must do this exercise to directly apologize to the cedi! First, clear your throats, take in some hefty breaths to calm down, then, shake yourselves into your deepest sense of sincerity and slobber kisses to a bunch of cedi notes of all denominations. Place the pack of increasingly dirtying cedi notes on your chest wherever you think your heart is located and then slowly, say after me:
“Dear cedi, we are sorry for talking trash to you. We admit that we mocked and trivialized you. We didn’t know better then but now we know that we hurt your feelings. When you know better you do better so now we’re ready to do right by you. This is not Zimbabwe and we don’t want to return to the old smelly cedi. So New Ghana cedi, please return to your pre-January glory. We love you. We respect you. And always will. Kiss. Kiss.”
dorisdartey@yahoo.com; dorisdartey.blogspot.com