Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road?

This column has been so dense for months on end, stepping boldly on toes and gingerly pushing some rusty buttons of society. While remaining concerned about the increasing number of street children, the deplorable state of sanitation, and of prostate cancer and general disease stigma, I reckon that life is short and we can’t forever stress out about the many things we find troubling regarding the realities of our Ghanaian existence. So this week, let’s have some laughs.

My all-time favourite parody is the age-old question: Why did the chicken cross the road? Year after year, whenever I’ve needed some really good earthy hearty laughter, the type that leaves a numbing pain in the rib cage for hours, I’ve returned to this question by revisiting the satirical responses ascribed to certain notable persons throughout history. If you are hungry for laughter, which is good for the soul and health, go online and Google. Simply type the question into that search engine. Then, just sit back, relax, with a glass of water nearby and be ready to laugh yourself to tears and ……

For readers who might not have easy online access, I’ll share a few of such responses below. Note: these jokes make more sense if you know something about the individuals being imitated. Remember, these are responses purely from people’s imagination of how these “Honourables” would have responded to the life-changing question – Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
KARL MARX: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the Blackman. The chicken ‘crossed’ the Blackman in order to trample over him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: Our soon-to-be-released Chicken 2008 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
GEORGE BUSH: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights and BOMBS.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

The above responses represent a wide variety of brilliant and philosophical, yet dim-witted, simplistic, nonsensical, bizarre, ridiculous and childish answers. So, which of these responses come close to how you would have answered this simple question? For no provocation at all, and probably after very little thinking, each person is apt to answer this question in a certain way and the answer provides a deep-seated explanation to where they are on life’s journey – how they think, what occupies their time and their overall perspective. The question is about chicken – but it’s also about life.

So let’s move on to a funny serious matter. Let’s face it: as a people – me, you and you – are careless road crossers. In the matter of road crossing, you can observe the absurd, bizarre and ludicrous. At one point in time, everyone crosses a road as a pedestrian, for one reason or the other. The critical issue here is not why we cross roads but the way we cross and the accompanying dangers we pose to ourselves, to drivers and to society.

I have identified three broad categories of road crossers. They are the I-Don’t-Cares, the-Bold-and-Determined and the I-Am-Tired-and-Confused.

The I-Don’t-Cares seem to be the most dangerous. They behave as if they are on a suicide mission, waiting for oncoming vehicles to usher them into the next world that is beckoning them so their next of kin would at long last, benefit from their existence, albeit belatedly – from insurance payments. Before laying out their lives at moving vehicles, though, they never stop to think if the vehicle is insured!!

The Bold-and-Determined undoubtedly have a perpetual right-of-way. They exhibit gross disrespect and disgust to vehicles. They boldly charge into vehicles and even hit vehicles with their flesh! They can appear suddenly, and for no particular reason at all, cross – regardless of the speed of the vehicle. I say – some of these crossers should be locked up or be certified. The courts should issue them with certificates to carry on their bodies at all times so they can simply flip it out to on-coming vehicles. But better still, they should be made to carry placards that read – “A nut-case is crossing. Watch out!”

The third category, the I-Am-Tired-and-Confused, is the pathetic case. Some of these are either tired after a hard day’s work or are absent-minded over some issues they face in life’s tough journey and want to cross – for no particular reason. In their tiredness, they are focused yet confused, and their focus breeds carelessness.

Don’t even bother to wonder why these categories of people cross roads. It could be, like Plato, “For the greater good.” Like Aristotle, because it is in the person’s “nature to cross roads.” Like Hippocrates, “Because of an excess of phlegm in the pancreas.” Or, better still, like Karl Marx, “To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.”

The worst time to deal with road crossers is in the dark. It is mind-boggling when you consider the confidence inherent in the carelessness with which small-sized black human beings jump into busy roads in darkness, to cross to the other side, oblivious to the dangers ahead. While a pedestrian sees vehicles in the dark, s/he might not realize that drivers do not see the pedestrian as clearly. Our skin colour easily becomes one with the darkness or at best, we become mere blurry figures.

Why don’t we therefore have a law, or at least encourage the populace to wear reflectors on shoes, hats and shirts whenever we plan to cross roads in the dark? The reflectors would make us visible to drivers of oncoming vehicles and throw light on our little black bodies. Hey, that’s a nice business idea for someone to run with. I’ll forego consulting fees, of course!

The way people cross roads used to upset me. No more! I have developed a heightened sense of humour about it. The fear remains though, that one of these days, I might inadvertently hit someone and be locked up in a funky police cell. But fear is debilitating. It can zap energy. So, to enjoy the madness, I’ve decided to join in a big way and have some fun too. This maddening opportunity is too fascinating to just stay on the sidelines. I too, will become an active participant – to own and operate a tro-tro of the Benz bus kind, which I am determined to drive periodically – just for the fun of it. Watch the road!

dorisdartey@yahoo.com; 233-208286817